Vicarious Rising

Acceptable Alternatives to Asphyxiation

I can't decide which is the better description: willfully slothful or determinedly non-projecting. Or what sort of prettified name I'd like to slap on whatever it is I am doing to prevent a panic attack about going to see my family this weekend. I still get a lot of amusement out of word-play. Keeps my mind off of muckedy-muck feelings. Downing a bottle of Grigch Hills Chardonnay or 12 is not an option. Dandified labels for avoidance of imagining worst case scenarios get the greenlight.

Amazon.com delivered the book I ordered to prepare for my summer writing workshop today. It is The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel. I thought it would be a mighty fine idea to read the work of the author who will be my writing instructor before I take the class. This book is the compilation of her four books of short stories. The cover has a badge stating this book is one of the New York Times Book Review's 10 Best Books of the Year. Cool.

I think this will be a good way to direct my attention. Especially since short stories will not require me to sit still for any great length of time. More garbage magazines are good for this too, but I have to admit, I am getting very sick of the celebrities and their DUIs. Can't these people get drivers?

My sponsor is going to be going back to see her parents this weekend too. She's not looking forward to her visit any more than I am mine. We are making a plan to touch base with each other. This makes me feel better. I also know where and when at least one of the AA meetings I will be attending is, and will be definitely going to at least two while away. It is a great excuse to get away from the crazy people.

And I know I have lots of outlets to contact should things go awry. I really don't think they will, but the truth is, I've actually got peeps now. I'm not alone in my struggles. I have people who care about me in my life now. It's all going to be fine. It already is fine.

Breathe, Judy. You can breathe now.

Looney Tunes

In an effort to lighten up I took an online quiz to find out which Harry Potter character I would most get along with. Not surprisingly, I turned out to be a flake:

You scored as Luna Lovegood. You're an extreme introvert and because of this, are also a deep thinker. You ponder things others would never dream of pondering and stand with your beliefs without backing down. You find it more valuable to daydream than to socialize, because there's so much more going on in your head than others'. Most people don't understand it, but you seem to prefer it that way.

My second closest scores were a tie with Hermione Granger, Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore. I could live with that company.

To take the quiz yourself, click on the following link: Harry Potter Character Combatibility Test
created with QuizFarm.com

I spent about six hours alone in my car today, stuck with myself. Judging by the results of this quiz, I would think this would be my preferred company. But not today. I had to turn my music way up to keep my brain from getting stuck in obsessive thoughts. I tried to focus on the road and clearing my head. It wasn't easy. I wanted to plan, plan, plan. Dig my way out of this place I am in. Be the queen of self-determination. I am trying to just let things be rather than fiddle with machinations so much. That damn ride in the car was was a forced meditation of sorts. Loud angry music seemed to help. I think.

This goofy song called "Grace Kelly" by some guy named Mika made me laugh. I replayed it about five times. He's having an identity crisis in it and mentions Freddie. I think I feel a little better tonight. (An aside: I dunno where the whole crazy Freddie M. thing came from. My last major celebrity crush was Russell Crowe. Hardly the same type. Go figure.)

I'm a little disconcerted, however, about my Luna Lovegood results. Cool porn name aside, I'm still facing this problem of secluding myself from others when I know a big part of the solution to my problems is looking for help outside myself. While I know I can endlessly entertain myself, I hate this idea of being a world unto myself. But I am so afraid of being misunderstood, especially in light of how my best friend completely miscontrued me recently, that I am feeling a lot like space cadet Luna - out on the fringes and never to be accepted into society.

Rest for the Wicked

I am still in a bit of a funk and rather than push myself, I've decided to take a cue from Kenny of Recovery Road and steal his stolen meme list idea for today's post. I don't know what "meme" stands for -- maybe "me, me"? Isn't "meme" the word for "same" in French? I dunno. I'm not generating many comments lately either, so ...(egads, I sound like I am on the pity pot! I must be edging on some sort of depression. Perhaps that is some sort of twisted progress on my part.)

At any rate, the idea of this meme list is to answer each query with exactly "three little words" according to the blog site Kenny stole it from.

1. Where is your cell phone? in my handbag
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? sure, why not?
3. Hair? not in food
4. Your mother? a textbook narcissist
5. Your father? in complete denial
6. Your favorite item(s)? paper, pens, turtles
7. Your dream last night? not your business
8. Your favorite drink? Aveda Soothing Tea
9. Your dream guy/girl? straight Freddie Mercury (I don't think that's even possible)
10. The room you are in? Is not home
11. Your fear? Losing my mind
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? comfortable with myself
13. Who did you hang out with last night? Didn't hang out
14. What are you not? tall, blond, mineral
15. Are you in love? All the time
16. One of your wish list items? Baby grand piano
17. What time is it? time to eat
18. The last thing you did? got the mail
19. What are you wearing? jeans, sweatshirt, socks
20. Your favorite book? Can't pick one
21. The last thing you ate? wintergreen life savers
22. Your life? Belongs to me
23. Your mood? Melancholy pensive tired
24. Your friends? Find me tolerable
25. What are you thinking about right now? being more clever
26. Your car? needs a cleaning
27. What are you doing at this moment? Answering dumb questions
28. Your summer? Seems far away
29. Your relationship status? Relationship with who?
30. What is on your TV screen? Nothing right now
31. When is the last time you laughed? Maybe this morning (actually when I wrote about my dream guy)
32. Last time you cried? I can't recall
33. School? Over for now