One Note

During my International Womens Writing Guild conference, I took a course called "Mirrors and Mentors." One of the exercises the instructor asked us to do is to either list our mentors, or write some sort of brief piece about a mentor or what we had learned.

I came to the conclusion that I desperately want a mentor, but I am probably likely to shun anyone who tried to step into that role. I'd say my therapist is perhaps the closest thing I've allowed anyone to become to a mentor to me. But truthfully, it is not a mentor/student relationship. The only reason I credit it as at all pedagogal is that I have become more confident to express myself under his care.

My husband has been a terrific support to me, but I he certainly doesn't fill a mentor roll. I think I may be yearning for someone to champion my story for me -- or rather, champion me -- and the lukewarm reception is starting to wear on me. I think I'm wishing for this parental figure to take a shine to me, see this glimmer of promise and take me under their wing. It never happened to me as a child, and I think I am feeling the pain of it again right now. I don't expect it, but its absence is acute and underscored when I am seeking acceptance. Yet, I don't want to change to a story that is more saleable or mainstream, even though I think I could knock one out without much trouble.

I suppose I'm just saying that I'm feeling a little lonely in my pursuit. Not that anyone needs to step in and soothe me here. I'm not sure I could accept it if it were offered. It's amazing how prickly and needy one can be simultaneously.

What I ended up writing for that workshop exercise was about my desire to be adopted. In many ways, I've adopted myself. But sometimes, sometimes I want more.

I feel like Laura SanGiacomo's character Kit in the movie Pretty Woman, when Julia Robert's Vivian gives kit money to go to school because she thinks she has potential. Kit, who has wise-cracked and drugged her way through her small parts of the movie, gets very wide-eyed and quiet and says, "Really, you think I got potential?"

There's a starving little girl in me. Still.

Comments

[David]

Re: Your champion:

So hey there short person, who's that old codger you used walk up Church street with? You know the guy I mean don't cha? The one you could be prickly and needy with at the same time and it made no neber mind to him? The one that took a no expectations shine to you? The one who gave you something that everybody searches forever for, and simply handed it to you for your refrigerator? Where's he now when you need him, huh? I mean jeese, he was always getting on your case to write, day after day after day, Getting on your case walking to where he lived at first, and later to the corner, and later to the next corner...all the way Church street, getting on your case to write. And now he just leaves you there starving? Da bum!

Or maybe... He didn't leave town after all. Maybe... he's at Comptons for breakfast in the morning. Say...come Saturday morning, about 10:30?

At least, you could tell him that it's his fault for putting you through this, you could give him a piece of your mind. Make he pay for breakfast too, he should pay, da bum!

[Steve E]

Hey Vicarious-girl.

Stupid idea: What about "knocking out" a saleable book, then piggy-backing your serious work with Jacket blurbs?

Oh, weeeell, I'm thnking.....

[David]

That idea is not so stupid. I just thought of it myself. Artists write/compose/act just for the commercial thing all the time, so they can do the "Real" thing as their reward. So now everyone else think it's great, you know it's junk, if nothing else, you can get a good laugh out of it.

Speaking of writing...I've looked at those few paragraphs a few times now. Kiddo...you can write. That didn't come from your head, that came from way down inside. You sent that one over the fence. That, my friend, was writing.

Go Sox.

Sincerely,

Da bum.

[Patrick]

I like the post, it has me thinking. While there is always a part of us who wants that mentor to help guide, a sense of independence keeps us wanting to do it on our own? A source of conflict?

If so, I can relate.

My only advice is to grab the free breakfast!

[Kristin H.]

I wish I could slip you an Edward Lewis Scholarship Fund in the form of a book deal. I'm so confidant this will happen but frustrated right along with you. All I keep thinking is, man alive you are going to have one dedicated following when it does happen!

[Syd]

I don't hesitate to ask for help now. I know when I need it. It's a far cry from years ago when I didn't think that I deserved any help from anyone. Ask and maybe you'll get just what you need in a mentor.

[Angela]

I wish for you a mentor/guide that can help you navigate what must be a difficult process. I have no advice, but I have lots of support I'm sending your way. I hope you can feel it!

[always carol]

I went to a local writing group that met at the library wkly. There were a couple people who had been published and were very generous with their encouragement. Any groups near you?

[timibe]

Whoa, Judith. This post hit me right between the eyes. I have that same conflict all of the time. Sometimes I feel like I want someone to show me the way, just for once; and then when someone tries to show me, I resent the hell out of it. Our minds can be quite twisted, don’t you think?

I think that the problem I come across with mentors is that I don’t really want to be like anyone else and find when I ask for help, most people get a little too zealous in their offerings. Then it is frustrating when I cannot find someone to talk to who understands my perspective.

Just yesterday, I was reading an email from a friend who was describing something she was excited about that seemed totally absurd and childish to me and I found myself, literally, banging my head on my desktop. Okay, who was the crazy one? You know what I mean. It makes me feel like an island and I really hate that. In addition to that craziness, I have been having job interviews that force me to be inauthentic . . . barf!

Judith, I have 4 classes left to complete my masters coursework and there are times when I just want to can the whole f*%#ing thing because of how hard it is to make things happen that need to happen. Right now, I am thinking how much easier it would be just to get a full-time job and forget about school. It’s kind of hard to think about anything else when you don’t know how you will pay your rent. The reason I am telling you this is that there will always be obstacles to achieving your goals. While some of the hits hurt, people like us just keep pushing forward. I know your book will get published. It may not happen on the path that you thought it would and it will feel lonely sometimes, but you, my dear, will find the road to success. No question.

[Lou]

I just watched "Hustle & Flow" (yeah, I know it's been out for years;)
I understood why the movie got the acclaim it did. It had the universal message of "go for your dream." That's your message. Stay on message, grrl.

[Eli Hornby]

I'm another one that this post resonates with Judith. The phrase that caught me was when you said you wanted someone to champion *you.* I've had so many people telling me for years that I need to record my songs, share my songs, publish my songs... and I have this love/hate relationship with the idea of a producer/manager. I finally asked a guy the other day (a recovery friend.) There was something very difficult about doing it. Can't even quite articulate what it was. Can't wait to read your book...
~Eli