Circuitous Path or I Always Like to Take the Hard Road

It always amuses me when I hear recovery folk talking about how most addicts seek out the easier, softer path because that has never been my way of being. Don't get me wrong: I don't think I haven't been trying to escape an untenable reality. I have, however, gone through great lengths to get there.

These past three weeks, I've been in this terrific workshop where my novel has been up for critique, and one of the things that has come up about my protagonist is that she is a little hard to get close to. This is purposely done early in the book, as she is in early sobriety, but it has also had the effect of preventing some readers from connecting to the story. My job as the writer is to walk a finer line, to use the authorial narration to clue the reader into the protagonist's heart while allowing her to be her protective self.

Point of reference, those people in recovery or those who are close to people in recovery have had absolutely no trouble connecting to the protagonist. Interesting, no?

Anyway, I decided to pick up the two Pia Mellody books that have been sitting unread on my shelf for the last three years to get a little more insight on intimacy and codependency from an external point of view. I've read the checklist of codependecy many times elsewhere, and while some of the criteria fit me, for the most part I didn't really identify. However, today when I picked up "Facing Codependency," on page 4 I read this:

Codependents have difficulty:

1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
   
2. Setting functional boundaries
   
3. Owning and expressing their own reality
   
4. Taking care of their adult needs and wants
   
5. Experiencing and expressing their reality moderately

I'd say I identified with five out of five of those. Damn, I wish I'd actually opened these books a few years ago. I'm sure they will still be valuable to me now because I can't say I've got my intimacy issues all locked up. But it sure would have been a comfort to me.

Or maybe not. Maybe I wasn't ready three years ago and that is why I ignored these titles on my bookshelves.

I have one week left in this workshop. It has been an awesome experience. I've met at least one person I hope to keep in touch with, and possibly another. I cannot believe that I feel as if I belong a part of that community and not like a pretender, which is very much what I felt like only two years ago when I first stepped foot into the same workshop. I truly hope I get published, and the frustration and disappointment that goes with waiting for that to happen is draining. But the joy I get from the creative process and learning from others make me know this is one of the most right things I have ever chosen to do.

The things that you work the hardest for are often the most rewarding. I'm glad I'm wise enough to appreciate everything that I gain, including the painful lessons.

Comments

[Steve E]

Yes...I believe all life is a painful lesson--if we do live it, that is. And the pain becomes less as we slowly eliminate some lessons from our "school".

[CJ]

ah well, there's a little co-dependency in all of us. Glad the workshop is going so well. Cori

[One Prayer Girl]

First of all, welcome to my blog. I saw you became a follower and that gives me a lot of joy and pleasure.

Second, after 24 years in AA, the last 4 1/2 in Al-Anon, AND 63 years on this earth, it is my humble opinion that if books sit on shelves for years and are finally opened.....it is the perfect time. I have done that all my life and that has been my experience over and over. I am always grateful when I finally do read something. I am grateful that I have kept the book long enough to be ready for it and to be able to enjoy it. :)

Love and prayers,
Prayer Girl

[Tall Karen]

I can relate to 5 out of 5 too! You sound much more positive today.

Feeling like we belong is half the battle! You are worthy and you deserve the BEST!

[Syd]

I think that awareness of these traits helps me. I also acknowledge that it took me a while to become the way that I am. It will take me the rest of my life to increase my awareness and to fully reach an understanding of myself.

[GabriellaMoonlight]

You know this is incredibly interesting, I can identify with the five and have had many feelings over time of such. I am so glad that your workshop is going well and you've made a connection, I am so looking forward to reading your book!!!!

Hugs
Gabi

[David]

Hello again, short person. I picked up a book at the library, (Being old on a fixed income, I find books that I like at the bookstore, write down the titles and go to the library and find a copy). That aside, it's called "Drunkard, A hard drinking life." Author is Neil Steinberg, if you care. In fact, the author is Neil Steinberg even if you don't care.

It was nice to have breakfast and to hear about how the little alien is doing. You hae some nice links on your page, I've followed a few. Thanks for that.

I still carry around my play, and I still think it could make a good story. But I've come to think, not a good story right now, or not one I am ready to pursue. I have another idea though, and this play would be called "I'm tired of all your soldiers." I got the idea from a blues song. I think I'll pursue that idea for awhile. I mean hell, it beats working Mensa Sudoku puzzles into the wee small hours of the morning.

I guess all that means is that sometimes, I gotta let go of my first idea, Maybe it wasn't a good one, and just shut and listen, and in God's time, I'll hear a better idea.

Just a thought.

One other thought is...I think I'll spring for the $10 a month or so and get my own blog.

Yeah, that could work. These Mensa Sudoku puzzles are getting kind of old hat.

I hope you are well...and that's about it.

Peaceout.

david

[Lou]

I'm glad you are sticking it out with the book. You have spunk! I've met a few "book people" in the last couple weeks (purely by chance, no book stuff going on at my end), and the process seems grueling.

I've done the checklist many times. It was eye opening when I first read it. Never read that author however.

[therapydoc]

Me, too. That you can stick to it should be an ego booster for you. I love the connection you're making here, too, that people in recovery get it, whereas not everyone else can relate. So to me, that should be a goal, maybe, helping others relate, feel for this person.

[postpaleo]

Politics. I forgot the name of the dude that said it all boiled down to politics, between people and their interactions. Century's ago he did this theory and as far as I know it still stands. I certainly haven't been able to disprove it and I have tried, at least on the level he was speaking of.

The list you mentioned or quoted, is politics. Many have said, often, politics starts in your own back yard. Well, it starts closer than that. It's inner. You can take your quoted list and cast it to a more national level as well, societies, country's at large. A few minor word changes, but it all still fits.

I have stated over and over again, there is no difference between the dependant and the co-dependent. On the surface it is easy to point fingers and say, you're full of shit, but the fact is, both type casts draw something from the relationship/s. It works with inner conflict, or peace, as well. I've ranted on this subject before too. I grow tired of deaf ears. And quite frankly there is no full "fix" to it. I do think it's the human condition, we are a social animal. (Damn I wish I could remember the book where they did attempt the fix, "1984"? One where they took all the kids from birth and the state raised them. Break the cycles was the attempt. Although I think he was speaking more of a controlled state when he wrote it. Been a while and I can't remember the damn thing.)

You once said to me how much you disliked them, politics. It's all politics. Having been raised in a semi political family, Dad doing his civic duty's for years, I learned early on, screw it. The wrath from others for doing your best wasn't worth it, but it could be fun if you are inclined to have a bit of anarchist in you. But, you can only bury your head for so long or you get buried. My politics? I won't run for office. I'd be willing to bet my politics would end me up in some prison in the world and that you can take to the bank. (Personally I find my mattress much safer. I don't like to gamble, although I could make a living at it.) The difference between my kiddyhood and now, I would do it. You voted this last time. You took a stand. It's kind of cool to search yourself, do an inventory, of why you vote for whom you do. They are judgements and everybody does them everyday.

The guy that did the theory, the books, I don't think they killed him for writing them, but some sure as hell tried for years. Been racking my brain since you wrote this post to remember it, his name, but fall short. So I can't name drop and feel all smart and shit. But I do think he was right, on one level, and he explained fully what level he was speaking about.

It's all politics. Read the headlines of the day and bring it on home. And don't believe everything you read, think for yourself. Someone is always trying to rewrite history.