Recognizable

I hate getting my photo taken. I'm not sure where it comes from. True, my parents made it clear that my blond sister was the pretty, photogenic one whose school pictures they were always pleased with. But I'm not certain it was all an external beauty thing that kept me from posing for the family archives.

My parents were not heavy duty camera people. There are not rolls and rolls of baby pics. I was the first born. There was the requisite baby album with the usual milestones. There was a follow up photo album for the elementary years. Not much after that, really. When I was in high school, I went to Easter Sunday with my boyfriend to his family's for brunch. Unbeknownst to me, my mother decided to sign up the rest of my family to get an official family portrait done that afternoon in their Easter clothes at the club. If I ever want to see the one and only family portrait, I can go into their library to see it. My mother still calls it The Family Portrait. For years I wanted to ask her if they would have still gotten it done had I been with them for brunch. I never got that brave.

I have no photographs of me as a child in my possession. I have a couple of me as a teen, some my friends gave me. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that in my current life no relics of that Judith hanging around. Seeing things on the other side of recovery, remembering the events around when the photos took place - and when the camera snap required a well behave child to smile as directed - how would I feel? Would it bring out compassion for the young me or drag up shit best left where it is?

Cat, who writes the thoughtful blog "Wait. What?" had written a few times about looking at childhood photos of herself to fall in love with the girl she'd once been. She recently shared this ritual with her eldest son. I thought this might be a lovely idea for me because I cannot bear to look at pictures of myself and I run from cameras.

But I cannot imagine asking my parents for any of my old baby pictures. For one, I would not be shocked to discover they had 'lost' or had a 'mishap' of sorts with them. Those sorts of shenanigans be a besting I'd prefer not to take. Second, I never ask favors of my parents. I'd eat babies first.

Some of you may have read about the recent passing of a blogger named Suzanne. I never visited her blog before her death, and I so wish I had. I learned of her through GabriellaMoonlight's "All Who Wander Are Not Lost" blog, and I encourage you to go to Gabi's blog, Suzanne's and also stop by Syd of "I'm Just FINE" for his tribute.

I mention Suzanne here because she also spoke to me through her photos. For some reason, looking at her blog made me brave enough to decide to take some self portraits today with my iPhone. Most of them were dreadful and have been discarded. Some are ok. Some I look so much like my mother when she was near my age, I want to go dye my hair blond and get collagen lips.

As I progressed, I began to loosen up before the lens. I had but an audience of one: me. Still, it was awkward and uncomfortable.

I'll only share one here, and of course it's blurry. I severely need a haircut, and...

Oh, bother. I'm not going to make a whole slew of excuses for the shoddy picture. I took Eleanor Roosevelt's advice and did something that scared me today.

Comments

[Mary LA]

Lovely smile Judith! And I have the same dislike of photographs of self, have none of myself as a child. My mother thought us all too ugly as children and only kept photographs of herself. Which were haunting and pathetic images of her looking lost and cross-eyed on Valium. Arggh!

Breaking the old taboos --

Mary

[pat]

I never cared to have my picture taken but I am always taking pictures of my family and/or the events occurring around me. Being a family genealogist has taught me that recording one's life is a written history of those events, people, places that has gone before us. If you ever travel over to my other website a journey into the past, you will understand exactly what I mean. Get that camera out and start recording your life, my friend. If not for you, do it for your son and all those grandkids who may one day come along.

[steveroni]

Is it true, the camera does not lie? I hate the truth sometimes! But you take a good picture, Judith.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[Syd]

A happy smile. Glad that you decided to do the photographs. I do lots of them. And my parents saved every one from childhood. I suppose I am just a shutterbug. Have a great New Year and do photo document it.

[GabriellaMoonlight]

Oh Judith you have a bright and beautiful smile and are truly gorgeous!!!! Wow! I too have more pics of my mother in all her gloriousness than of me; I have some of them; have lost some over the years, but my albums of family are my history. It's what I have now.

I also think that "eating babies" made me laugh out loud, I don't know if that's my sick sense of humor, but great turn of phrase, definitely gets the point across.

Happy New Year Judith and thank you for being a part of the journey!!!

Love and Hugs,
G

[Cedrorum]

I know that feeling all to well. The only pictures I've ever liked of me are of me playing on stage. I guess because the guitar kind of takes your eyes off of me. I've never taken good pictures and cringe when someone wants to take mine. You on the other hand take great pictures. I don't see anything wrong with the shots I've seen of you and you do have a great smile. Happy New Year!

[Kathy]

I am not photogenic at all...I was cute as a kid but even then..the odd facial expression..lots of drunken photos that make me cringe...now its the unrecognizable fat woman...anyway, I remember my Dad telling me that pictures don't lie when I was saying how unphotogenic I was once, which I took to mean I was as ugly as I thought my pictures were...makes me to this day very self conscious, avoiding cameras at all costs.

[Addicted Rantings]

Well I think it's a nice picture too. You have a very pretty smile.

[ubermouth]

You're blind if you cannot see what we do- you are LOVELY inside AND out, Judith!
Happy New Year!

[Two Dogs]

You're beautiful from here!

[Lou]

I like pics of people that are a little different--like that one. Happy
New One!

[timibe]

Yep, I, too, hate those pics of myself. I think you're beautiful too.

[Miss Smack]

You are beautiful.

xx

[Sarah]

YOU look so BEAUTIFUL. And I'm not just saying that to be nice. If I didn't think that, I would've just commented on what you wrote, not your picture. And I'm telling you that because if you're anything like me, when I hear someone compliment me, I assume they are being polite. But I'm not that polite, so you don't have to worry about that.

Truly beautiful.

[Miss Smack]

Btw, i'm still laughing at 'i'd eat babies first' hahahaha

[Cat]

You look happy Judith!