Something Worth Believing In
When I was a freshman in high school, I took a class called Religions of Man. I thought this was one of the most fascinating courses ever. When I was a tyke, I'd done plenty of reading on my own of the ancient mythologies of Egypt, Greece, Rome, Ireland and even parts of Asia, but it was more from the story standpoint than from a cultural view (I was, like, 7 when I started, so sorry if I wasn't deep). I loved the concepts of Buddhism especially, and was curious about Hindu reincarnation (and appalled at the caste system). But the 'religion' that I took a ken to the most was anarchy. Because, well, I was a teenager. My good friend Rachel and I ran around for half the school year passing "Anarchy Now!!!" notes to each other and making logos and anti-rules. I thought it was great fun.
Rachel, on the other hand, took the endeavor much more seriously.
My family moved away the following summer and I lost touch with Rachel. I heard from other friends that Rachel had gotten mixed up in drugs with a bad crowd and been arrested on a few occasions. She also later tried to kill herself.
I didn't understand how my sweet friend Rachel had fallen so lost into the tenets of something so dark. To me, it was a spark of juvenile rebellion, but she allowed it to define her, to become a system bigger than her to adhere to when she felt adrift in the world.
There's a blog I found a couple weeks ago that interested me because the author reminded me of a former friend of mine (not Rachel) who lives in Japan. This blogger is significantly more radical than my ex friend, although I think their minds run along the same veins of thought. And this disturbs me. Because I think their thoughts are fairly wrongheaded and self-destructive as well as potentially harmful to others. They also possess a thinly veiled misogynistic streak that they are both either blind to or craftily deny. Honestly I don't know which, but I do hold concerns that their views will be perpetuated not only by these two, but those like them.
The blogger is intent on founding some sort of movement via his blog, a revolution of sorts to a new, improved (in his mind) society. I'm not going to detail his ideals and principles; they are not relevant to my post. What I did find while doing my reading catch-up this vacation was the following information by author Eric Hoffer from his book "The True Believer: Thoughts on the Nature of Mass Movements" (as summarized in Psychologies Magazine, Nov. 2008 issue) that I think pertinent:
- Those who join a revolutionary movement do so to be rid of an unwanted self. If we are unhappy with who we are, in a mass movement this no longer matters, as the self is irrelevant in relation to the cause of the movement.
- A movement will attract those who dislike having to be responsible for their lives.
- People join mass movements for a sense of belonging and camraderie, a feeling often lacking in an economically free and competitive society
- To the true believer, nonbelievers are weak, corrupt and without backbones. The perception of their own purity of intent allows them to do anything in the name of their intention - including taking their own lives.
I am not a joiner. I sometimes am flippant about being anti-social, but the truth is, I enjoy interacting with people. Nothing enlivens me more than a good discussion or laughing over a wonderful meal. I think travel with friends is a great way to go. I am always blown away by getting to experience the look in someone's eyes when they are delighted by something. I am an introvert, but I do genuinely love people with all their frailties, foibles, strengths and graces.
On the other hand, I get the self-reliance thing and feel I would do fine on a deserted isle. Sure, I'd talk to myself and the random inanimate object, but I do that now. I enjoy my own company quite a lot and am rarely bored. I believe there is always some way to stir up trouble. Even if all I have in my vicinity is some toenail clippings, dried grass and bug appendages. You never know.
My friend in Japan, while not on a suicide watch, certainly falls within the boundaries of a movement joiner above. He had been talking about converting to Roman Catholicism last I heard, to give his life more meaning. He is already a Christian, but he was seeking something with more structure, more rituals things to allegedly bring him closer to the life of Christ, and an organization that he felt held a higher purpose he could be proud to be a part of.
He definitely has trouble with taking responsibilty for much beyond his own self interest and he has trouble maintaining romantic relationships. Being his girlfriend is great so long as she doesn't demand much of him. He had one chick threaten to toss herself off his eighth floor balcony because he wouldn't talk to her about why he was so distant. Truth was, he was too chicken shitted to break up with her like a real man... he pushed her into doing it by being a jerk and making her do it for him. Then told everybody what a lunatic he had been dating. For a long time, I'd ask him who the latest chick was he sent screaming off his balcony. And he is a repeat offence cheater who has these strange little rules about why when he cheated it wasn't so bad because he didn't consider himself committed to the relationship or there were extenuating circumstances. Too bad the girlfriend wasn't usually clued in.
He's often said he is not one of those people who is happy because of who he is but more by how he is influenced by the environment around him and/or the people he hangs with. He claims his life as a white male bachelor gaijin in Japan is close to ideal. Yet to look at him, you will see a man who looks uncomfortable in his own skin, as if he's wary someone is going to catch on to him not being who he wants to portray himself as being. He complains about how white men have been given the short shrift of late and longs for the old days when they were more revered (generally he has referred to the Old South as a golden time in US history). He thinks the polite society of Japan with its deferential behaviors towards their betters (and white males there, even geeky ones, are hot commodities to young Japanese women seeking to escape their traditional roles) is his ticket to utopia. I asked him once why he didn't apply for Japanese citizenship since he never wants to return to the US and/or give up his US citizenship. He didn't really have an answer. I told him I couldn't understand why he would want to have a vote in a country he thought so little of but not have a voting say in a country he thought was so amazing. I think some people want their cake and to eat it too.
I think I can understand some need to join certain movements, like an artistic movement or something that isn't so cultish or less self destructive. Maybe I should revise this to say it perplexes me and seems more like a crisis of self than a sort of enlightenment. It seems like it takes the responsibility off the individual for their state of being by saying that one's happiness is derived from external forces rather than internal. That if you are in a miserable place it must be the fault of a bad system, but you can fix it by joining in with other self-righteous folk. Because that is a hell of a lot easier than looking inside yourself and seeing your own fuck ups and taking accountability for them.
Or maybe I am still mad I lost my best friend because he never grew up and I couldn't listen to him and his excuses anymore.
Me? I believe in the blue, blue sky, the brown of my eyes, the sound of my son laughing (unless it's due to Sponge Bob, who I do not believe in), the taste of tomatoes warm from the sun, the closeness of the man I love, and that I can never drink wine or any other alcohol again.
And I believe my friend in Japan is a hopeless cause, even for me, St. Jude.
