No Place for the Non-Follower

This morning I went to my AA home group's meeting to return the business meeting's official secretary book. I have abdicated my position as secretary. It makes sense since I haven't been to a meeting in a couple months. The last one I went to was basically to meet my commitment as secretary.

I hadn't planned to stay - I arrived at the halfway point when they have a five minute smokers break, so I could pass off the notebook to one of the other officers. Instead, I ended up briefly talking to a woman who I don't know all that well who coerced me into sitting down for at least five minutes of the meeting. Five minutes I didn't really have because I had a doctor's appointment for my annual pap smear in 20 minutes. Nonetheless, I found myself guilted into a seat.

WTF?

I think part of the reason my butt got weighted down was that my sponsor greeted me with less than an enthusiastic hello. In fact, I think she seemed a little pissed. I know it might've been my imagination, but I have called her a few times, including asking if she wanted to get together so I could pass off the secretary book to her because I would love to have a visit with her. She hasn't returned my calls. She did, however, call once to leave me a message to inform me that I should oust myself as secretary and return the notebook ASAP.

I guess I feel a little hurt. I suppose I had hoped that my friendship was perhaps contingent on my sobriety, yes, but not necessarily my attachment to the tenents of the AA program. It seems those bonds were not so strong as I imagined. I have to walk the same walk in the same voice in the same language, conform.

This makes me sad. I can't say I think this is the fault of AA. I still plan to go to meetings on occasion as I need it. I saw my walking buddy David this morning, and I miss him terribly. Not keeping in touch with him is my own self-involved fault. But I think I am disappointed that the camraderie of a bunch of drunks was somewhat superficial.

Maybe it's just me. But anyway, I ain't gonna drink over it.

On another note, I've been following The Junky's Wife's blog for some time now, and she is struggling with stepping back to let her husband try to manage to put together a recovery for himself. She wrote that he recently had the brilliant idea that all he needs is a doctor to prescribe him all the drugs he needs to not feel the pain of withdrawal so he can wake up clean, refreshed and brand-sober-spanking-new.

Yah, that sounds familiar to this alcoholic. I also remember when I bought all these books about how I could drink all I wanted if I only ate the proper diet and vitamin supplements and drank a certain amount of water. What a crock.

After I returned from rehab, I sold all these books on Amazon.com. I felt a little remorseful about passing on that crap to other people who I am certain were idiots just like me. I even thought about sticking a little note in the package saying, "when you're done with all this crap, write me an email" or stuffing in an AA pamphlet. But I realized it would go on deaf ears. I wouldn't have heard it until it was my time.

I hope the Junky's Wife's man will hit the point where he has had enough soon. No one can do it for you, especially not Dr. Feelgood.

Comments

[MiseryMarketing]

Some people take that AA shit serious. Something about having to give it away to keep it. Keeping it keeps them out of institutions, jails and above ground. BUT the book says even when people dont want what we have they are still to be friendly. Maybe she was using a sponsor technique. She may be scared because people who do what you are doing eventually return to insanity. Its a fact of AA's experience. One day you will be living your normal life and something in your mind will flip and you will think your can drink normal contrary to all experience and logic. It happens to people who go to meetings and it happens a lot more to people who dont. Or you will be hit with a "certain trial or lowspot ahead" and you will not have the tools to handle it and pride will keep you from reaching out to those mean AAs because they will certainlly be thinking "We told you so" or at least thats what you will tell yourself. Anyway, meetings arent AA and AA works so maybe it doesnt happen to people who work all sides of the triangle. Sorry if this post doesnt sound friendly. Certain subject cause me to be very serious. One love.

[Syd]

Judith, I suspect that your sponsor wants to see you at more meetings. I guess I've thought that alcoholics need to attend meetings. And work the steps and keep in contact with their sponsor. I know that I won't keep up progress unless I go to several Al-Anon meetings a week. I would eventually slip back into the old pattern of behavior. Do you feel that you have come far enough with your recovery to cut way back on meetings?

[brokenheartedmom]

Interesting post.I like hearing different perspectives on this subject.I'm so on the fence about going to a NA family group, due to my son's addiction.I don't want to be cooped up with people who will go on forever about their particular situation, but I'm starting to understand some of the broader principles. I see where they would help with the despair & hoplessness I sometimes let wash over me. But I'm leary of the all or nothing concept.
Anyway, thanks for letting us speak our minds.

You wrote this on my birthday, although it is a few days later as i am answering. Responding might be a better word. Or maybe i am spending way to much time searching for the right word, and i have absolutely no idea why. Anyway, i promise you that i'm not going to get into an AA lecture; If you go to meetings, that's fine, if you don't, that's fine to. The same way you don't comment/suggest/criticise/question why i go, and at whatever frequency i decide to go/not go.

All I know is i'm not drinking and actually seem to be be bringing my development a little past that. I'm even learning patience about how to listen to the whining and the AA guru of the day. For me, it's not about them and it's not about me. And every once in a while, someone says something that gets through my head. And every once in a while, i seem to be able to return the favor.

I guess that for me, it's a good place to overcome my natural tendancy to keep some distance between me and people. I do quite well when there is an agenda, very poorly with just small talk. So for me, what i am doing works. For you, it must be working as well, or you wouldn't be doing it.

Now would you?

I miss the walks too. Kinda like having a daughter here rather than all the way out on the west coast. It always started off my day on a plesant note, regardless of what foolishness i was letting run around my head.

But as with all things, as my mother said very early on in my life, "This too shall pass."

At least what i have accomplished is to learn to appreciate what was, and not regret what isn't.

I look forward to finding out what i will learn in my next 64 years.

Anyway, Jodi has asked me more than once if i had seen you. Just thought you might like to know that.

david

[timibe]

I sure felt your pain when I read this. I made my final apartment move this weekend and not one person from AA showed up to help. I am obviously not doing it right, even though several of them still call me to ask me for help. I show up for them. Then there are others who think I no longer have anything to offer because I am not going to meetings. It might be contagious, you know?