High Life

If anyone remembers a post from about two months ago, I won a trip to L.A. thanks to one of my favorite television shows. Welp, my son and I are off for our vacation tomorrow. The trip was supposed to include a meet-n-greet with one of the show's stars, but because of the writers strike and some other timing issues, that part of the grand prize will not be happening. Kind of a bummer, especially since I have a minor crush on the show's star. However, we will be staying at the Hollywood Roosevelt and dining at some rather excellent places courtesy the show and the USA Network. This chica is mighty excited.

Perhaps not so ironically, I didn't really want to share my good fortune with my family. I feel like they have this idea in their heads that I am "lucky". Or, perhaps better put, that I have an imbalance of too much good. Which is not to say they are deprived because they are far from it. But they have a way of making me feel terribly guilty when nice things happen to me. So, I tend not to tell them about them.

Actually, I tend to not tell them about much of anything. It seems safer to ask them about themselves and cluck at the appropriate times.

One of the big changes through recovery has been to allow myself to enjoy when good things happen to me. To not expect the hand of god to reach down and punish me for feeling joy and pleasure in the nice things around me. To indulge in the idea that maybe, just maybe, I do deserve a nice life for no other reason than that I am a nice person.

It really isn't funny how much time I spent destroying myself for every good thing that came my way. I really was my own worst enemy. In some ways, I got worse as I got better in my early recovery. I wonder if others have experienced that struggle. I'm sure many have. As I began to recognize reality and separate myself from what I had been told about myself, there was a real internal war going on that at times I wasn't sure I was going to survive.

It's too bad my family cannot share in my happiness. It would be nicer for me if I could share my life with them. But I have adapted, if not quite accepted.

Now, off to the land of make-believe. I'll try not to gawk like a total tourist. As if.

Comments

[postpaleo]

No it isn't funny how much time and effort we put into destroying ourselves (but damned if I didn't do a good job at it) and the drinking was just the outside symptom. The pain you were going through, in the early days, at least here, was hard to watch and I wanted to just reach in and take it all away, as if I really could. In some ways I think I tried to add to it. I may have been wrong to bring it more to the surface, but I did try. I did it in the sense of Yeats's Crazy Jane character and that lingering quote, "Nothing can be whole, that has not been rent". You had been through a life time of "rent", tearing apart, but now you were watching it, I think a big difference. Emotions, feelings finally brought to the surface, hurt, our response to them is confusing just because they are new and realized and not masked. Strong and hard emotions, good and bad, but the bad ones seem to overshadow the good, at least in the beginning and you can sure feel lost in the swirl of it all. I never had much doubt in you, you seriously amazed me with your speed and you still amaze me. I'm sure it felt like a life time when in those moments and I'll bet your finger nails were in the desk more than once. But honestly there was only a time or two that I was waiting by the phone with baited breath, hoping you'd claw your way through it, at least in that snap shot of time. I don't think we ever claw our way free, we do the best we can, but we can't deny the past and like it or not it's always there. Where I think we lucked out is how we view it now. Luck it isn't, but others can think it is. Their problem not mine. Be good to yourself, you deserve it. And guess what, it gets even better.

As I think about therapy and all the things we have thought through, put in their proper place, all the books and acquired lessons, the writing it out. If it really were all okay, all worked through, we're finally fixed. Then logically we could pick up socially. It doesn't work that way. We really buried it again, we just buried it in plain sight. I suppose some even put it up on a pedestal and I think that's actually a good thing in its proper place. Yeah it never ends, but it does get easier, on the good days and they seem more plentiful than before.

As odd as this is going to sound, you are a very good teacher.

So were your tickets American? And I expect a post card which says, "Glad you aren't here", because I'm glad I'm not too. And I want a t-shirt with the tar pits on it!!

[Slutty McWhore]

I'm glad that you're off to LA! Wow! I'll be in Boston next week (Saturday night through Tuesday night) and was wondering if you would be able to come and cheer me on. I should have emailed you about this ages ago but I forgot. You probably can't make it, but thought I would ask, anyway.

[Mary (MPJ)]

Stupid writer's strike. Sorry you won't be getting the grand prize, but the trip sounds fabulous anyway. Have a great time!

[Syd]

Have a great time. Write about it all when you can. And I understand the family thing. I think that one has to be an optimist to relate to families where there was pain.

[kel]

Have a wonderful and safe trip...

I can so relate to the family thing. Once a few years ago after getting a nice promotion with a rather sizeable raise in salary, my parents asked me not to talk about it in front of my older brother as he was having financial trouble, and we didnt want to "upset" him with my good news...

[MiseryMarketing]

Why you no tell who celeb is got woody for? Enquiring minds want to know!

[Guilty Secret]

It sound like you learnt from your family not to let yourself enjoy good things (just guessing from your description of their reactions...) so it's really great that you're being so successful at breaking that now :)