Vital Signs of Life

Newsweek has a story this week about a fringe group of AA that is involved in what I would call shifty practices. You can check out the article A Struggle Inside AA by clicking on the link. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I went to breakfast with some women in my home group this morning and the general consensus was that this group was a blight on the nose of AA. My personal opinion is that this group is the manifestation of some of my worst fears about AA sucking out my free will. All that talk about not doing my own thinking run riot by bad group think. But that's just me and my powerlessness issues speaking again.

It seems my mother is doing well after her surgery. My sister reported that Mom was complaining immediately from waking from the procedure. Upon returning home yesterday, her perpetual headache returned, but she can't take anything for it due to blood thinners. My mother has had a headache for the past 50 years give or take, but refuses to see a doctor about it. One would think chronic headaches, most of which she calls migraines, would send her to a specialist with some concern over a disorder. A possible brain tumor. A space alien taking residence. Something. Unless, of course, attention is what one is after. Her hypochondria is enough to give me a headache, and I rarely get them. Of course, I could have a brain tumor and I would deny the symptoms until my gray matter was splattered on the sidewalk... just to prove I was not my mother.

As far as I can tell, I am still equipped of most of my mental facilities, although the neural firings are a little disjointed. I have a post about obsessions that I have partially written that I have been postponing for about two weeks now. Because I am avoiding some things that are bothering me. I pile up activities and obsess about things, both good and bad, when I am troubled. My mother's surgery is stirring up some uncomfortable emotions about my family, and I'm finding myself throwing all kinds of distractions in the way of these unpleasant thoughts. I'm very glad I have people to talk to and places to go that are safe and healthy for me, to direct my anxious energy, until the fear passes and I am better able to handle these situations that continue to baffle me.

Alas, I am afraid I remain too shy to share my obsessions at this time. Maybe if the proper spring day hits me and my good sense runs amok, we can play a bit of show and tell.

Comments

[wilmarae]

I also read the article. I live a bit south of where you went to mtgs during your visit. Some mtgs here have weird overtones..lots of old old skanky men who get off on hugging the women, talking during their shares how they lust after the women, asking newcomers out. Since I have issues with my father I do give these men too much power/space in my head and I yell at them a lot. Other women just find them funny or flattering. Money is also a big deal here with oldtimers chasing after newcomers w/ $$. It can be really confusing and when I first trying to get sober (ie. drinking btwn mtgs) I again gave these women & men too much power over me. Funny now that I am sober, I can see them clearly for the users/sick/sad folks that they are. Recently one very sick "old-timer" gave the advice..."don't take your parents so seriously" and it hit me. If I listen to my god which I hear quite clearly (it is the acting on the hearing that is the problem) then I will be okay. This idea "your best thinking got you here so don't listen to it, listen to us" is for the birds. My best thinking did get me to AA. I always knew what was right but I chose not to do it. When I give away my power to these women I am not listening to my inner voice and therefore I am dissing God. If I listen God will speak to me (I do find it happens in the rooms) but he speaks through many so I have to listen to all the shares.
xox WR

[postpaleo]

Can't put a photo up with a big shit eating grin. You now just saw some of the many things I have been throwing away, trying to write for the last few evenings and been bitching about for a while. Thanks for the link. I didn't know about that group. Loved the blight on the nose line, cracked me up. Right in front of their nose, that's just to rich. Guess you know where I'm going next.

AA, your son and husband, the seperation, you put into words the other night. Thats' cult 1-0 fucking 1. Seperate them. I have been missing the third deffination for the true cult for a while, I found it about a month ago. But suspected there was another that would fit the third as well. There is and this very neatly points to it. AA needs a house cleaning badly. It needs to go further, it needs to get rid of it's own god damned denial. Hard to see when you're still fucking drunk with it's (AA's) fear and power. It can be an addiction, Irsh Pal pointed it out, at least I read it that way and I don't mean to pull her in to what I have written.

AA has value, but it is static as I see it. It's thoughts on abuse for example, there is more, much more and it isn't in there. It needs to be, there are more to be reached. Come to the 21st century. What is the fear, where is the harm, if AA's truths are solid, then it will stand on it's own, without and I repeat without needing to recite scripture from the Big ass bulky money making big brainwash book. You think it doesn't make money? Follow it, I did. Just look for the point when they made the seperation. They don't even file the damned tax papers right. Power, it corrupts. Who's been whispering in your ear Lady J? Stay street smart. Is AA healthy if it's an us vs family? I have to keep them at arms lenght till I'm safe? It's my program and they don't want to do it and they're wrong? Need to go to a meeting let down my walls with my new freinds(family). If it works so fucking well, why can't you do it at home? What part of not picking up a drink is so fucking hard? The no or the yes? I piss you off yet? Good. Get thee to that AA nunnery. Think they call that rehab. What could be better? Hell it's even got AA's seal of approval. That should piss you off if the rest didn't.

I wanted to do and did another version of step 13, only dropping the sex. That wasn't the only thing I threw away. Yeah, I know, as always this will go over like a lead ballon. But like the artical said, we're out here and I have met them, there is life after AA there really is. They don't want you to leave, they have sold you the fucking fear. Why would you still need to stay if it worked? At what point does it work? Doesn't look like it does if you stay for life. They like that power, it feels so good, gives them that born again feeling that they keep trying to recapture. I think of it as a circle jerk.(little boy behavior, probably an urban myth) Think, always think. It's the biggest gift against this horrible thing called addiction you can ever be given or taught or find again. There hasn't been a single valid medical study to prove that AA works very well, not one. Been many that say other wise. AA's success rate sucks, that is unacceptable to me.

I don't take prisoners and I do step on toes. It isn't healthy to take prisoners, you have got to let them go. You will see a revolution and you will see it as us vs them. But it isn't. It will just be AA's denial.

It's nice to be able to open a door when you would like to. Pick a door, any door will do, you will see more.

No small furry woodland creatures were harmed in this writing.
Several small turnips were slightly bruised.
Twelve minerals were totaly destroyed.

Qui potest capere capiat _ Let him accept it who can _ (if the shoe fits, wear it)

[Lushgurl]

Wow, the Midtown Group is scary! Thank God, most meetings are safe places for those who wish for a clean and sober life! I have found in my search for recovery, that AA does work. Based on the principles set down by its' forefathers, we have no one who holds any more or less power than any one else. We are all just a bunch of drunks trying to live a better, sober life, and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Turning it over, for me, is to a HP, who I call God, and not to another human!
On a lighter note, your writings about your mom and her hypochondria cracked me up! I am glad she came out of her surgery OK.
love and HUGS to you!

[Syd]

If something works for you and it makes you feel healthy both mentally and spiritually, then I say keep it up. There are always going to be power mongers or perverts or badly damaged people in every organization. I work with a bunch of them. I can choose to let them drag me down and make me over in their image or I can be who I am. I decided that's it's better to just be me.

The mother situation is one that I know well. It's like having a child that I didn't want. Even through it all, I still miss her and would give anything to have her back. Such is a love and bond that exists only between parent and child.

[Tab]

Just being honest with yourself about emotions and obsessions is enough to get the ball rolling to acceptance and letting go..but it is profoundly personal and takes time.You follow your instincs..we read what you share with gratitude ...thank you for what you do share:)

[Noor Azman Bin Othman]

Enjoy your weekend, J. I wish the struggle in AA will not happen here.

I'm happy that your mother is doing well. Send her my warmest regards, will you?

[Scout]

Here is the myspace link to the website in the Newsweek article.
http://www.myspace.com/thefallofmidtown
Interesting stuff from any way you look at it really.
Personally, they scare me. AA/NA do have all the makings of a cult, for sure, especially if taken to an extreme like in MidTown. I have not encountered anything like them in my own experience -- and HAD I, they would have confirmed all my worst fears about 12 step programs (just like you said.)
For now, I will stick with what seems to work for me when nothing else I tried did.
As for your mother --glad she made it through o.k. and maybe you should checkout your headaches -- brain tumors really do happen ;-)
Peace, girl,
Scout

[Scout]

J--if you go to that myspace site -- be sure not to miss this video --although be ready to get scared when you watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnNSe5XYp6E&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fblog%2Emyspace%2Ecom%2Findex%2Ecfm%3Ffuseaction%3Dblog%2EListAll%26friendID%3D137850505%26MyToken%3D287b8d07%2Df732%2D4452%2D9d30%2D76038

Hey there. I was just appreciating that I may be "Getting it." I don't have a single opinion about AA. Ask me about some politicians though and I'll have a whole different answer. For me, the fact that it is just a group of people who come together to discuss thier common problem, and nothing more. I tend to gravitate towards some more than others and it has taken me awhile to realize that it wasn't a result of my thinking that I was smarter than they were, or at least as smart. What has taken me awhile to realize is that I gravitate towards people who share thier experience, strength and hope, and not thier opinions, and don't tell me what I should think or what I should do. As a result, you are one of the people I gravitate to. Looking over your writings for in the past I see a change in you from judging and moving towards acceptance. As far as you making progress along those lines, you have something I want, so I'll keep seeking you out.

Maybe I am making more progress than I thought though, it just occured to me that I was all prepared to come here today and make jokes about going to the jewelry store to get myself a pair of earrings that look like feet to remind me that I was on a journey, the way we heard this morning.

But no more than 3 minutes ago, it dawned on me that this whole thing is no joking matter, that this whole recovering thing is very serious shit, so here are some thoughts I have that are just for me.

I will do my best to keep any judgements of anyone or any group to myself.
I will do my best to never tell anyone what they should think, or what they should do.
I will do my best to never criticize what anyone else believes.
I will do my best to continue to gravitate towards people who can teach me things by sharing thier experience, strength and hope, and just disregard the rest, without the need to feel silenly superior, or smarter.
I will do my best to practice restraint of tongue and pen.

I will do my best to achieve progress in these things, and leave perfection to those who are more capable of handling it.

Peace.

david

[VicariousRising]

Man, Scout, thank you so much for those links. That YouTube video is majorly what I have been talking about. I think sometimes that is what I react against when people tell me what to do or think in AA. I do think some people are of group-think mentality there.

Postpaleo - I think you misunderstood what I meant about "immediate family". I meant my mom, dad, sister and brother. Not my son and husband.

David - I love what you just wrote, but I do think you'd look swell with footprint earrings.

[postpaleo]

That's very possible Lady J, very possible. How very aspie of me /wink You're there and I'm here. There is no time to tell a real life story and not spend a life time doing it. We have to take snap shots and I only see a few, can't see the rest of it. I just got a little nervous and I have that damn gaurd duty thing going on in me, ever vigilant.

I think maybe because I'm now seeing another side to being "abused" while in the growing up, early parts. And yeah it never really lets up if you drop your mask and let people see just how different you really are. I lived it and never thought it anything other then what everybody went through. That it had an end result. It upsets me there are others and they don't fit in the mold of how AA/NA works. I know I come on here as a ranter. But I also know alot of good folks here don't see what I have. I really really do not want to see AA/NA destroyed, I would so much like to see them, lol, get well again. AA/NA isn't perfect and I'm not wanting it to be. If it were just a few "me's" I guess I could let go of it, but it isn't. It isn't just the little gift I have, it's a whole culture that is just plain ignored and cast into the snake pit, with a neat little label. I do try to control it as best I can here, but the link made it feel like it was ok to go on a crusade. You would be surprised, perhaps, if you met the older ones, they have learned things through the school of hard knocks that are a wonder to behold. Yeah, we sure do have the drinkers and the druggers and yeah we do the best we can, but the net is limited, wonderful but limited. Some one here will be or is a sponser, they need to know. I'll get it out on my spot, when I can, and will try harder to keep my axe grinding down here. Any port in a storm.

[Scout]

Check yer email, grl!

[E r i c F]

The major problem with groups like Midtown, is that AA has no mechanism in place to deal with people like this. In fact, they absolutely refuse to even speak on the matter. Some people have thrown about that the MG isn't a "real AA group." That's nonsense, too. AA's traditions clearly state that they are an AA group and have every right to conduct their group as they see fit. So why should a parent send their child to an AA meeting anywhere since the welfare of any individual is of no importance to AA? The long form of AA's first tradition says that individual welfare follows closely after AA's welfare, but there is no evidence to show that AA really means that. Any organization that places a higher value on itself rather than on its adherents is suffering from a basic pathological flaw. How many more people have to be harmed by predators in the rooms of AA, in addition to the countless ones already hurt, for something to be done about behavior such as this?

E r i c F
http://freedomfrom12steps.blogspot.com
http://www.blamedenial.co.uk

[Ciada]

I have 16 years of experience with AA. I served 3 terms as a GSR, 1 term as an Alt DCM and was Bid Chair for the Women's IWC. I have lived in 5 states sober. This having been said, at 14 years of sobriety I sought the help of an MD and a therapist. Why? Because the ongoing, "shaming behavior," within AA would eventually lead me to drink again. I have yet to see in 16 years, "any group follow the traditions." And, I have seen only 1 group ever do a, "group inventory." I can list the groups that contain a high level of predators, and pedophiles, again within 5 states.
I do believe that men are abused as well as women, (primarily by old-timer ridicule). I have moved forward to form Eco-Recovery for Women. We hold meetings in private, consider, "support and safety a priority," have open book lists, follow a bio/psycho/social model, and are a fully supportive community to each other. My hope is that more men and women take the initiative to do this and that a film producer such as Amy Berg, (Deliver us from Evil, on the Catholic Church), will produce the same type of film on AA. Safe journey to all... Ciada